…and I am a Döner Kebab snob. Despite my well known hatred for the elite in all it’s forms (especially the educated elite, those ivory tower occupying bastards with their critical thinking, facts, and logic. Simply un-American), due to my close proximity to Mehringdamm U-bahnhof I have now learned to turn up my nose and snort derisively with the best of them.
Döner Kebabs, probably the most delicious food item that you can grab off any street corner for under 3 euros, are a truly modern culinary delicacy. Employing a wonderfully German brand of culinary fusion, the ubiquitous Döner takes the delicious Brötchen Germany is so well known for, slathers it in spicy, garlic, and yogurt sauce, stuffs it full of exquisitely slow cooked Fleisch (chicken or beef, depending where you get it), playfully garnished with cucumbers, onions, lettuce, tomatoes, lemon juice, and occasionally feta cheese and potatoes. If you’re a vegetarian (which you shouldn’t be in Germany/anywhere else), you can get a Döner ohne Fleisch, but really, who are you trying to kid with that nonsense?
But on to the snobbery. You can buy a lot of varieties of Döner around the city, and each one is a little different depending on where you get it. Yes, each Döner is like a snowflake; a unique expression of beauty and individuality that is imbued by the craftsman responsible for assembling it with a distinctive attitude, strongly indicative of the character of the shop you’ve purchased it from. Indeed, the choices can at first be overwhelming to the uninitiated. This does not pose a problem for long.
This guy can no doubt make a killer Döner.
After a little exploration, one will inevitably stumble upon the elegant solution: there really only is one place worth buying a Döner from, and that place is Mustafa’s Gemüse Kebab, conveniently located 25 feet away from U-bahnhof Mehringdamm. At Mustafa’s you won’t find dried out, salty meats or overcooked veggies. The main reason for this is that they are continuously selling Döners throughout the day as a result of being the best Dönerladen in Berlin, and possibly the world.
There really isn’t much more to say on the matter, other than Döners from Mustafa’s beat the gastronomic pants off of gyros, hamburgers, Currywurst, and just about any other quick and dirty street food delicacy you can think of. Yes, at long last the war is over and the Turks have won. On that note, here is a list of Mustafa’s accomplishments:
- By providing the public with a multiethnic, affordable, optionally vegetarian, and delicious food option close to both public transportation and a high end hotel, Mustafa’s has successfully bridged the gap between East and West, rich and poor, vegetarian and carnivore. As it inevitably proliferates across all of Europe and subsequently the rest of the world like a delicious cancer, world peace will surely follow.
- There is no crime at U-bahnhoff Mehringdamm. This is because upon ausstiegen from the train, people immediately unconsciously sense that the solution to all of their problems is just a flight of stairs away. Consequently, thoughts of desperation and criminal acts flee from ones consciousness until at least 3 blocks away from Mustafa’s.
- Currywurst can finally stop being so insufferably cocky.
- Innumerable friends have turned to lovers mere heartbeats after indulging in a Mustafa’s Döner, as it functions similarly to pheromones except instead of using science (which I don’t know very much about), it’s attraction enhancing properties function utilizing pure excellence alone.
- Nobody is unattractive with a Mustafa’s Döner Kebab in hand, as they automatically have at least one thing of value to offer.
- The drunk will never go hungry again.
- Soft Kreuzberg retains it’s street cred as a result of Mustafa’s presence.
So remember, if it ain’t Mustafa’s, it ain’t a Döner!
Submitted by Angus McLinn, Class of 2012, Creative Writing and German Studies major
Angus studied abroad on the Macalester German Studies Program
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